It has come to my attention that there are people who behave abnormally and in a totally unacceptable manner when they awake in the mornings. As any rational and well-behaved human should know, the morning is for being chipper, awake, breakfasting, and socializing. Unfortunately, we are faced with a blight upon the earth—those that are not morning people. I propose the following regimen to draw these socially unconscious people from their shells each morning, to better integrate the horde of misanthropes into the society that surrounds them.

First, let us do away with the alarm clock as it currently exists. Particularly, those that begin with bird sounds, rushing wind, or quiet music. The snooze button, that travesty of sleepy procrastination, must also be removed. Instead, I suggest we implement a brass band, trumpets, trombones, and at least one tuba, so that each morning, those awaking can properly appreciate the glory of the new day. Those that cannot afford the luxury of employing their own band, may use a recording, assuming it be turned to a loud enough volume.

Additionally, the caffeine infusions so common in many societies are but a crutch for the weak. We must remove their teas, coffees, lattes, Starbucks drive-thrus, and café lingerings. The flurry of coffee preparation, the abundance of travel mugs, and the sheer fortune spent, all clearly indicate a misplacement of priorities. Why drink this bean water and leaf soup when the human body is readily capable of waking itself? A fresh glass of water, and all is right with the world. Allow me to digress for a moment to address those that refuse to eat breakfast or fully appreciate the celestial import of this meal. How can one possibly approach the rigors of daily toil without a full and sumptuous breakfast in one’s belly? The excuse that one simply is not hungry in the morning comes from that lazy and chronologically challenged attitude of one who claims to be a night owl. But do not even owls eat their prey if they catch it in the morning? Let us hear no more of the granola bar or the banana for breakfast; this meal should consist of at least two courses, contain protein, fruit and carbohydrates, and be served on a silver platter by a butler.

Finally, we must address the most grievous of transgressions perpetrated by these grumblers. They evidence an inability to converse, an unwillingness to engage in conversation, and avoid the delightful company of those that approach each morning with an appropriate amount of giddy joy and chipper enthusiasm. I have even heard tell of some that will not speak at all, will arrange their entire schedule so as not to come in contact with anyone, and willfully eschew the social obligations and niceties of saying ‘good morning’. How dare they? No wonder our society is falling apart, when the conventions of respect, civility, and morning salutations are left flagrantly by the wayside. No, we must drag these unwilling curs from their beds, require vociferously that they interact with fellow members of their race, and thereby ensure the productivity of the day.

The Germans have a word for these abominable people: Morgen-muffle. That may best be translated as ‘morning grump’. Too long these morning grumps have gone their dour way, ignoring custom and silently enjoying their coffees. We can no longer tolerate their taciturn and indolent ways. Let us gather around them, force them to sing the joys of each morning, and so improve the day for all.