Self publishing awesomeness

Hello lovelies! How is the world treating ya?

No, don’t answer that. Considering I have about 5 people that have actually read the blog, and I see you posting stuff on SM sites or other websites, I can actually answer that myself. Any newbies that read this, feel free to comment and welcome to my blog!

<Pause rant>

I almost forgot to do what I said I was going to do with this blog from the last post.

Word count: 39K (Yay me! 7K more than before!)
Progression: Does frozen molasses mean anything to you? How about a train, moving at the speed of a brick wall? Eh… work sucks which equals book writing is nonexistent. It’s just sitting there, watching me, pleading with its I’s to have me come play with it. And here I am not able to because, unfortunately, it doesn’t pay the bills… yet.

<Resume rant>

Which leads me into the ‘topic’ of this blog. I ran across a post from a fellow FWO member who graciously showed his earnings and allowed me to ask awkward and probably stupid questions. But now I know his favorite color may or may not be green, that he probably has a mullet (just kidding), and listens to a bunch of music that now I need to invest some time into because I haven’t heard of 90% of them.

So, the point is I decided to write about self published authors and a few things they learned along the way. I asked some other FWO’er’s the same questions and below are the responses I got. I have posted three different author’s answers.
When you see:
A: (JAH = J.A.Hunter) that is the friendly ex-military man that posted his earnings first.
A: (BF = BowFinder) that is a wonderful SP female author who has amazing insight into pretty much anything I have seen her post about.
A: (LSC = Leonsandcastle) who is a bit of a kooky fellow (IMO) that has a curly blonde wig for his profile pic that makes me laugh each time I see it. But he has great imagination and his stories are in-depth and he knows a bunch of random stuff like fighting with bows.

This is a long post. You were forewarned.

Q: What is the avg word count per book that you published? 

A: (JAH) Strange Magic is the shortest at around 75,000 words. Since then I’ve stepped up my game and shoot for the 100,000 mark (Cold Hearted is 101,000, Wendigo Rising is 110,000, and my yet to be released book Mud-Man is around 110,000).
A: (BF) Most of my books are around 40,000 words. I’ve never written longer than 60,000.
A: (LSC) I don’t know how to go about calculating that really. but I would give a rough guess of about 100K is the average. But to be fair, I have written very little, and have a bulkish book in revisions.

Q: Approximately how long did it take you to write your first book, and then how long for your last?

A: (JAH) Strange Magic, the first book in the Yancy Lazarus series, took about a year to write and produce (editing, cover art, etc). But Strange Magic wasn’t my first book. The first book I ever wrote took a grand total of four years—it was a terrible high/epic fantasy novel, which will never, ever, ever see the light of day. Suffice it to say, my first full-length novel was a great learning lesson in how not to write good fantasy. My second novel, an equally terrible horror story, took two years. Strange Magic was my third full-length book and it took a year, but my writing time has sped up considerably since then. The second and third books in the Yancy Lazarus series only took around four months each to produce from start to finish.
A: (BF) I wrote my first 4 fantasy novels in one year. They sat around gathering dust, until self-publishing became a more viable option. Then I dug them out, heavily revised, had them edited, and published. By comparison, my most recent novel (still working on the last scene) will release six months from the date I began writing it.
A: (LSC) The first book attempt I did, I only had three months to write; mostly because the writing software was online and you had to pay for subscription to use it. But the first book I ever published took 8 months. The last book has taken 2 years, and is still not published.

Q:What made you go the route of self pub?

A: (JAH) I like being in control of the content I produce—I like deciding what to write, what to cut, what to keep, what my cover will look like—and all of those influenced me to self-publish. I also like that I can make my products inexpensive (normally priced books are only $3.99) while still making more per copy than a traditional author. Most of all though, I decided to self-publish because I hate waiting. Traditional publishing is so S.L.O.W. Everything takes months and months and months, and then even if you sell a book, it can take a year or more before it releases. As a self-published author, I’m free to produce and release as much (or as little) content as I choose.
A: (BF) Honestly? Sales and earnings. In my experience with publishers, enjoyable as it was, I wasn’t earning enough to buy myself more than the occasional McDonald’s meal. Worse, I wasn’t reaching a wide audience. And being enjoyed by as many readers as possible has always been my #1 goal – even more than earning a living. So I made up my mind to seek an agent and a deal with a major publisher. Unfortunately, neither were loving me. I felt very sorry for myself. While I counted my rejection letters, I watched many friends with longer careers and big publishers, writers I envied as having “made it,” switch over to self-publishing because of the higher earnings. After that, going self-pub was an easy decision.
A: (LSC) 0 replies when seeking an agent or publisher. I could not let the fact that I was a horrible writer in their eyes, stop me from having a book in my hands bearing my pen name.

Q:What snags did you find when self publishing?

A: (JAH) The first time I self-published was rough. Finding a good editor was really hard. I went through two editors that didn’t do very good work (and cost me a pretty penny) before finally finding one who was worth the money (Tamara Blain, www.acloserlookediting.com ). I found a cover artist I liked right off the bat, though, so that was a bonus. Learning how to format my books was tricky, but was totally worth it and has saved me quite a bit in terms of time and money. There’s also taxes to consider. At first I didn’t expect to make much, but as real, actual, substantial money started coming in, my wife and I made the decision to start our own corporation for tax reasons.
A: (BF) None really. I had done a lot of research before hand, talked with a lot of self-publishers, followed the debates on pricing, etc. I was pretty well-informed going in and I’d say that was my biggest asset. That and having spent a lot of years learning the craft, including a couple years writing for small presses. I found my voice during that time and made my worst mistakes while nobody was watching.
A: (LSC) Ebooks seemed difficult to do for a larger audience, because I use LULU and they have specific mandates for what qualifies as a Epub, otherwise it’s a PDF available only from them.

Q: What are the top 3-5 things that you would advise a new writer?

A: (JAH) First, only be a writer if it makes you happy—it’s really not for the faint of heart. In writing, there are no shortcuts, no quick bucks to be made, and no guarantees of success. Pursue writing only if you genuinely enjoy writing. Write for fun. Write for you. Write because it’s what you love to do. Any other reason simply isn’t worth the headache. Second, as a writer, be prepared to fail. A lot. But know also that failure is great: failure is the road to improvement. Each book or story you write will likely be a lesson in failure, but each time you try again you will fail better.
Lastly, and this is the most important lesson I have to pass on: FINISH YOUR WORK. Now, I’ll admit, sometimes you do need to abandon a piece, but it should only be as a last resort. A story needs to have a begging, middle, and end—and each section has its own difficulties, challenges, and joys. If you only ever write beginnings, however, you’ll never fail enough at middles and ends to get good at those parts. So stick with it, even if it hurts a little.
A: (BF) My #1 advice is to do a ton of research before publishing and implement a careful strategy that begins before the books are released into the wild (preferably before they’re even written). Everyone knows you need to write a lot of words before those words start to be any good. What fewer people realize is that the publishing needs as much attention as writing. For the self-publisher, writing a good book is only half the battle. Selling it is trickier. But giving it a cover that looks self-published, skipping edits, and hoping that a great story at a cheap price will sell the book is a recipe for disappointment. Back in 2011, it might’ve worked but the indie market is far more competitive now. Even a price tag of $0.00 is no guarantee of downloads.
A: (LSC) I don’t know really. Like I hate self help guides and advice from people unqualified and I feel that I am not very educated on writing in general. But if I must answer the question, never stop learning.

Q: What would you have done differently had you known beforehand?

A: (JAH) To be honest I’m not sure I would have done anything differently. I didn’t succeed at everything, but my failures shaped me too, so I have no regrets.
A: (BF) I started out writing novellas in a niche area with a smallish audience. This was under a pen name I no longer use. Those works were too short for the readers or for the advertisers. Although they were in a series, they were only loosely connected, with each book featuring different main characters. That resulted in lower sell-through than I would otherwise have had. I knew enough to have a newsletter right from the start. But I didn’t push it hard. I didn’t make a serious effort to draw signups. I also didn’t follow up when a book sold well. Instead, I quit writing that series and jumped to a different one. Those are all mistakes I could have done differently. Still, my first self-pub efforts with my first pen name did much better than I’d expected (keeping in mind that my expectations were low). Despite the above mistakes, I’d paid enough attention to more experienced self-pubbers to get many things right.
A: (LSC) I don’t understand the question. Know beforehand of what? But I’ll make an assumption. Had I known I have difficulties in keeping a voice for a long period of time, I would have just written 140 1K short stories instead.

Q: What annoys you the most about writing?

A: (JAH) Editing. I hate editing—it feels like Chinese water drip torture. Writing itself is awesome. It’s all magic and lasers and gunfights and Phew, Phew, Phew, BOOM! Editing, on the other hand, is like mowing the lawn or grocery shopping or paying taxes. You gotta do all that stuff, but it sucks.
A: (BF) Middles. I hate them. That’s one reason why I don’t write long books. Short books make the time spent getting from beginning (love that part) to the end (another fun part) pass faster.
A: (LSC) When you actually pursue feedback and it’s not what you had envisioned the response would be, is a big blow to the ego for some.

Q: Did you make more or less money than you originally expected?

A: (JAH) I made way more money than I expected, though that’s certainly not the case with everyone. Initially, I invested around $1,000 to get my first book up and running, and my wildest hope was to double that amount in a year (so I could make back my investment, plus have enough to publish another book). After one year of self-publishing (three books and a novella later) I’ve made over $40,000, though that number is deceptive because it doesn’t account for taxes (a huge cut) or production overhead ($1,300 for a standard book, plus another $1,000 for audiobooks). I expected a few people to read my stuff, but since taking the plunge I’ve sold, approximately, 13,000 books (not counting print or audio) and lent, through Amazon’s lending library (which are also paid) another 11,000 books.
A: (BF) More. In the beginning, I only hoped to earn out my expenses and maybe make a couple hundred dollars in profit. Any profit at all would make the experiment successful, it seemed to me. Since then, my main pen name has earned a little over $300,000 across 7 books and a handful of box sets. I should mention I’ve pubbed other works under a different name that’ve only ever sold a few thousand copies, so I don’t include those numbers or earnings here. I’ve since unpublished some of those old titles for poor performance or because they’re no longer a good representation of my brand. But as a starting off place, they sold me on self-publishing.
A: (LSC) I’ve made some money off of writing, but definitely not enough to supplement a living, or afford to pay for edits.

Q: Any words of advice for someone poking their toe in the waters of Self Pub?

A: (JAH) Pay for an editor who is worth the money (and do your due diligence to find one), though don’t pay through the nose. And hire a professional cover designer, unless you are really, really, really good. Covers sell books. Lastly, if you’re going to do it with the hopes of making money, treat self-publishing like a business, because it is.

Q: How difficult was the process of getting it into the correct format for the reader you chose? (Kindle, iOS, Nook, etc.)

A: (JAH) I use Scrivener, and though it took some time to figure out (go through the entire tutorial, etc.), it’s now very easy. Best of all, you can use Scrivener to compile your book in any format.
A: (BF) I’ve always hired others to do my formatting. I’ll occasionally format a short story for paperback but I don’t format the digital files or the novel-length works for paperback.


Q: How have your reviews been rated?

A: (JAH) Reviews have been fairly good, overall. My first book Strange Magic currently has 186 reviews and a 4.2 out of 5 star rating, which isn’t bad. With that said, Strange Magic, has a lot more negative reviews then I would like, but it is a first book, so that’s to be expected. Additionally, Strange Magic, though a pretty good book, is definitely the worst of my books—I’ve grown a lot as a writer since then. The second book, Cold Hearted, has 71 reviews and a 4.8 out of 5 star rating, all 4 or 5 stars. And Wendigo Rising, which was release in November 2015, has 31 reviews 4.8 out of 5 star rating. Those books are better, I’ll admit, but mostly it’s because those people already liked my work and characters going into it.
A: (BF) On the whole, reviewers have been generous with these 7 books. Out of somewhere over 2,000 Amazon and Goodreads reviews, the average rating is around 4 stars on Amazon and a half star lower on GoodReads. My highest rated is currently 4.5, my lowest 3.8. Reviews generally trend higher as you move away from the free entry point (book 1) and deeper into the series. People tend not to continue reading (and thus reviewing) if they don’t enjoy the first couple books, which skews averages higher for later books. New releases also tend to get picked up early by existing fans, causing them to rate higher. Rating will often slope downward as the book ages and reaches a wider audience.

Q: Self promotion – what are you doing to promote your book? What has worked and what hasn’t?

A: (JAH) I blog, facebook, and twitter … but honestly, I don’t spend much time doing that stuff. In my mind the best possible marketing is more books. I do spend a little time marketing, but mostly I write so I can put more books out. I occasionally run countdown deals through KDP Select, which work well. Bookbub is awesome if you can get it (it’s really expensive, but worth the cost). Mostly I focus my marketing around book launches. I’ll usually pay to do a blog tour plus a blog blitz (costs about $80 total). During release week, I’ll discount the book to 99 cents for the first three days to help obtain a “sticky” sales ranking on Amazon (20 sales a day over five days is better than 100 sales in one day and no sales on days 2 – 5), and do a massive giveaway (usually 30 – 50 books, which go to early readers and a randomly selected handful of folks from my mailing list). My early reader/beta readers usually leave reviews early on, which is a huge marketing bonus. Oh and a mailing list. Do that. Seriously. Make a website and create a mailing list with clickable signup links in the back of all your books.
A: (BF) James answered that one well. I use the usual advertising and some light social media. I do cross-promotion with top indies in my genre and keep informed with all the best self-pub forums, blogs, and groups. Most importantly, I build and maintain my newsletter. I also have a small but lovely ARC list, which is helpful.
A: (LSC) I don’t know anything about advertising. Honest. I have tried to get on the radio in my home town, even tried to have the same contact write a blurp in a paper. But every-time, my connection turns out to be an utter flake who seemingly has no investment of me (but that’s my opinion of him). I have done research on it, and realistically, it seems like a nightmare. I have gone the social media route, and no one seems to care about anything. Engagement from friends, family and even strangers are at a 0. I would like to elaborate and state that I am trying something I have not been instructed to by any how to on marketing, and that is Posters in stores where I can.

Q: What made you want to write to begin with?

A: (JAH) A lot of my writer friends always knew they wanted to write. For me, the passion didn’t really ignite until well after high-school. I tinkered around with writing and storytelling in high school, but then drifted away from it for a good long while. It was during my time in the Marines, specifically on my first deployment to Iraq, that the writing bug wormed its way back under my skin—truth be told, while on deployment I ran out of books to read so decided I would kill some time writing some stories of my own. I’ve been writing on and off since 2007, though I started to take it more seriously in 2014/2015.
A: (BF) I’ve written stories since childhood. I don’t really know why. I’ve just always enjoyed inventing characters and worlds. I think the first story I ever wrote was because my older siblings were writing something and I didn’t want to be left out.
A: (LSC) From early on, I had a fascination with the world, as if there was indeed magic in it, and that it could be harnessed. Something about books and the effect they had on me in reality made me think that was part of the magic of it all.

That’s it for now. I had 20 questions in all, and at one point I will probably reference some of those answers, but I think what I have above is the meat of the issues. I am sure there are at least another 100 or more issues that people want to know about.
I found the entire self publishing process scary and overwhelming, but at the same time, it seems like trying to find an agent or publisher was just as hard. However, when I saw JAH’s post, I felt a million times better about self publishing, and I hope these questions will help someone out there as well.

I have added J.A.Hunter’s, BowFinder’s and Leon’s links. Enjoy!

www.JamesAHunter.wordpress.com
http://www.cgreenwoodauthor.com/
https://shandorblog.wordpress.com/

A little bird…

Hello again you wonderful, and unknown to me as of yet, readers!


A lot is going through my mind at this point. Should I have gone with weebly? Will I go with them? Should I set goals for word counts? When will I start my FB and Twitter accounts? How will I ever be able to manage all of this? What should my next post be? Where do I start? Will I keep my book in chapters or will the also be parts? How does one even start looking for an agent or publicist? 

Check answer ‘C’. I don’t know.

What I think I know is I should play a bit of catch up. Like I previously stated, my book is in progress. I know that is not the beginning for many writers. From what I went through, and what I have seen on websites, I know that just starting to write down the amazing-story-that-is-in-your-head is the hardest part. Or so one might think now…

Quite a number of years ago, I came to the realization that I was tired of reading other people’s work. I thought their story could have been better if they had done X, Y or Z. To top that off, I have only found a handful of stories that actually satisfy my inner plot out-liner. I like extra long books, intense and surprising arcs, throw in a few humorous characters, descriptions of the surroundings – but not a crazy amount, clear characters who don’t magically change their normal morals just to move the plot along, and deep undercurrents that are felt but not realized until it all comes together in some wonderfully addicting part of the book that makes me stay up way too late trying to read it all. Tons of other things, but those are the key points. 

That is what prompted me to start thinking of a story that I would completely enjoy. I thought about it for years, too many to really remember but at least 7 years ago I know I was thinking of it. It was before I started working at my current company. I did a lot of pussy-footing around until I just started putting the words to paper – or hard drive – whatever you want to say. I don’t know how much I have trashed and rewritten over the years, I tend to break computer hard drives rather easily. My IT guys can attest to that. But the story has stuck. I literally have 14 easel papers taped up on my walls with outlines, a timeline and random character notes/plots.

After years of not really doing much with it besides thinking of different plots, I decided to go online for help. I stumbled upon FWO and decided to use that to help me stay on track. I started posting my chapters and getting critiques from other writers, and let me tell you what, it has been the best thing I have done to date. 

I was scared of course, but after the first few crit’s were done, and I realized my hair wasn’t on fire and my feelings were not really hurt, I fell in love. I cannot express how seeing what other people think of my writing, and what my faults are, has done for me. Not to mention having to crit other people’s work has given me insight on what does and does not work. I know that is pretty vague, but there would literally be thousands of words I could write and still not do it justice.

While on FWO, a wonderful writer posted about a tool called Scrivener. It is awesome. I will have to dedicate a post solely to this tool. Basically it pats Office on the head telling it that one day, when it grows up, it might just be able to do half of what Scrivener can. Here is a link to their site. http://www.literatureandlatte.com/scrivener.php 

It is/was free for 30 days. And its not consecutive days either, it is based on the literal days that you use it. So if you only log in once a week, it will last 30 weeks. After that, its like $35 USD.
Now that I am really thinking about this, I have quite a few things to delve into and bring this blog up to date with what I have done. All I can say is that I have read more indie books in the past year than I care to mention… I think I have spent a couple hundred dollars on ibooks. Considering most books are less than $5, and I usually have a hard time buying one over 2.99, plus I generally stick with free books, only opting for purchasing books in a series with the first being free, you might have an idea of how many I have gone through. Run on sentence anyone? 

What is the purpose of such flagrant spending and time consumerism/sleep deprivation? To broaden my reading horizon and search out for what works and doesn’t work. Before I started reading self published books, I thought self publishing would be hard… It seems like any FT can do it. (Anyone that knows me knows what that abbreviation means. That particular word is one of my favorites. Hi Michele, tell your son I said to cover his ears.)

Not all of them are bad, and if they are, I still read them. I actually have an author I really like, even though she has some writing issues, her plots move me. I have re-read a particular series of hers at least 4 times in the past few months. No I will not call her out here. 

Sooo… you should be *mostly* up to speed with what I have done now. Except for one thing that is bugging me. I am ashamed to even talk about it.
I just started my Twitter account… I am not happy about that at all. Why? Well, funny story, that. Once upon a time, I had an employee who sat on the other side of a cubicle at my job. She has a bubbly personality and was constantly singing Beyonce lyrics and spouting off hashtags… every five minutes or less.
I am not kidding. Literally every 5 minutes I would hear hashtag <insert idiocracy here>.

It got so bad that I gave her a corrective action form (a demerit) for such behaviors. It was fake of course, but ever since, the other supervisors have constantly gotten under my skin by calling me hashtag. Or when I am at the other site they will go into my office and write a bunch of hashtags on my white-board. Or tape quite a few printed papers with hashtags on my door… I vowed I would never have an account just because hashtags annoy the crap out of me. 

That means that I will have to hang my head in shame and admit that I have an account now. #hashtaghell #walkofshame #Effoff. 

Shell – if you read this, that last hashtag was for you. 

Now that I think of it, I can get revenge by plastering them with tweets if they follow me. How about this #revenge.
Ok enough of that. I will say it was interesting to find out how to add the twitter link to this blog site. I had to bing it. I feel like an old woman out of touch with the in-crowd. But screw the in crowd. They are annoying… And so what if I don’t care for it? It just means I do not feel the need to express all of my life with a perfect stranger(s) and friend(s). I like being different. 

*Sigh* I LIKED being different. Effing yapping bird page.
Next up is FaceBook. Yay…

But its not all bad. I get to see posts from people like Neil Patrick Harris, Brandon Sanderson, Patrick Rothfuss, and Bill Burr. You need to watch F is for Family on Netflix.

I promise I will get more organized with these blogs soon. But I like my randomness, so maybe not.

Crazy mess incoming

So I had this insane idea to start a blog… Before that, I had another insane idea that I would write a book. Now here I am writing to no one in particular, attempting to gain an audience of readers to share my experience with the entire process. And by entire process, I mean everything from starting a blog, engaging in social media (I do not currently have any FB, twitter, youtube, myspace, etc.) to the trials and tribulations (cliche I know) of writing a book, promoting it, and getting it published.

As I am writing this, I do not even have a blogging page yet (obviously I do now cause you are reading this), but I have started my book at least. Currently sitting around 120K words. In all honesty, quite a bit of those words will be in subsequent books in my series. I have roughly 35K words in the first part of the first book. So its not quite the beginning, but near enough. (Epic fantasy here I come)

Anywho, before I get into any of that, I guess I should introduce myself. Hi, my name is Kristol and I am an aspiring sci-fi author who is probably deluding herself.

I currently have a demanding job to top this all off. I am a Business Manager for a call center company, and the short of it is I deal with any financial impacting areas of the company which means long days and working weekends. I currently have a love/hate relationship with excel whom rules my working world.

I guess I should be a little more personal, but forgive me if it scares the crap out of me. I am not one to share my life with people. So here goes…

I am a book worm. Probably more like a giant earth worm or something from Dune to be honest. I am constantly reading something. I cannot stand to not be immersed in some new world or story. I have entirely too many books, in the range of 1K not including my newest digital library collection. No, not all of them are fiction, but a vast majority are.

I would say that my addiction started when Pizza Hut came to my school when I was younger and started the “Book It” program. In case you are not familiar with it, the kids would get a button/lapel pin (which, by the way, is an extremely hard to find word when you have no clue what to call it. Nix google and bing, yahoo to the rescue) and it had places to stick a star for each book that you read. My memory is a bit fuzzy, but either the kid that read the most, or gained a certain amount of stars, would receive a free pizza. I won a pizza every year for 4 years straight until I moved away from that school.

Even before that I loved to read. One of my favorite all time books is “The Unicorn who had no Horn”. I still remember it vividly. The unicorn had to go find its horn, and to gain a horn it had to go to a place with a bunch of crystals. The crystal grew into its horn. Sounds cheesy but it was magical for me. It’s on Amazon… I need to buy it.

I can’t remember the name of most of the other books, but if I ever saw them again I would snatch them up in a heartbeat. Specifically there was this woman who took everything literally, she was told to ‘dress the tree’ or maybe it was ‘dress the bird’ for Christmas and she put food on the tree or clothes on the turkey – horrible memory-lane here. She was always causing messes. I remember she had frazzled brown hair but thats about it. But I digress.

Besides being a Shai-Hulud, who strives to only eat rabbit food (vegan sometimes raw), I also like playing console/computer games. That is for another post I believe, but needless to say, I grew up in the world of Atari – blowing up animals in the earth with a bicycle pump would have been at the top of my resume, although my mom was, ashamedly, a thousand time better than me – which progressed to double jumping and rail gun head shots and now that I am older, Bethesda has my heart – choose any of their titles, and I have probably over-played that game.

So back to the point. Blog, write book, blog some more, edit book, blog that, find an agent???, maybe some blogs there, publish, blog about that, get my first copy of my first book, do a happy dance blog, sell books, blog about pains there, and make billions of dollars… probably won’t be blogging at that point.

First things first. Set up new gmail account and got a blogspot address. If you are here, obviously you know, but it is Lenaeu.blogspot.com. Yay! Boo to the 50 other names I came up with already being taken. And it is quite ugly as it stands – not sure if this will be the final name of the world in my book, and I am a horrible design artist. So first things first, I will be making it prettier ASAP. Of course I will pin it to my FWO account.

Did I forget to mention that? I am currently involved with Fantasy-writers.org. They are a wonderful group of people that help writers with critiques and writing tips/tools/techniques. I’ve been with the site since August 2015, and the people there are absolutely fabulous. Some are way above my head, but they are kind and gentle and rarely bite. So thats good. I decided to stick with this group as some other sites are not as well moderated and opinions run a bit too high for my liking.

So. What next?

No clue.

But rest assured, I am 100% dedicated to writing my book. And if that means I have to do a blog, book someones face, and sing like a canary, then I guess that is what I will be doing. Have I mentioned that I really do not like social media? Maybe the hint was the fact that I have never had an account before… or that I am a private person… or that I have never had a blog or video submitted to youtube. Or maybe it was the fact that I am a sandworm… Er… bookworm?

I don’t even know if this is considered too long of a post for a blog. Sorry if it was. But then again, look at me being all open…

If you are still reading this, then hoorah for me, maybe not you, although that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to see you back here. Thanks for reading the insane thoughts of a crazy lady. Maybe one day these thoughts will put some money in my pocket.

Here’s to being certifiable.

A metaphysical interview with Thomas Mulcair

Last on my list of interviews was Thomas Mulcair, the leader of the New Democrats. It took a while to get hold of him, because when I called his campaign office a recording said the line had been disconnected. Eventually I tracked down his campaign manager, who turned out to be crashing on a buddy’s couch for just a week or two until he got some things straightened out.

I was supposed to meet Mulcair in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart on the south side. I stood there wondering why he would choose this place, until I was distracted by the sound of an engine sputtering. An ancient Winnebago came down the road, painted bright orange, with Air Mulcair emblazoned on the side. The motor stalled every time the camper turned left, but it managed to coast almost all the way to me.

Thomas Mulcair got out, his face plastered with a smile that looked like a cross between a game-show host and rigor mortis. He sauntered over and shook my hand energetically, rather like the Cat in the Hat might.

“Mr. Mulcair,” I said. “It seems that your proposed budget, which makes only small changes to the tax structure and social spending, has failed to impress leftists. Was this a strategic calculation to win over centrist voters in Ontario, or are you taking a principled stance against sacrificing fiscal responsibility for redistribution?”

With his teeth bared and his cheeks scrunched up in a massive grin, his reply went like this, “pollscannotbetrustedanywaybreakthroughin905upcomingtookmoralhighroadasalwayscanadasnextgovernment.”

“Are you okay?” I asked. “It kind of looks like you smiled so much your face got stuck that way.”

“photoopneedbaby,” said Mulcair. “zhuli!getmebaby!” He waved his fist at the Winnebago. “BAAAABY!”

A staffer ran out of the camper, carrying a nonplussed-looking baby. She handed it to Mulcair, who cooed at it and kissed it as well as he could without breaking his rictus grin.

“Sorry,” the staffer whispered. “If it’s time for a photo op and he doesn’t have a baby to kiss, he sometimes loses his temper.” She surreptitiously wiped some spittle from Mulcair’s beard. “It’s been a long campaign.”

“Tell me about it,” I said.

A metaphysical interview with Justin Trudeau

After my unsatisfying interview with the Prime Minister, I met with Justin Trudeau, leader of the Liberal Party. That didn’t go much better.

To start with, he wanted to meet me on a beach in Cuba. When I got there he was lying on his side in the sand, wearing nothing but a red Speedo, long curls hanging over his face. His jaw didn’t so much look chiseled as like it had been carved out of granite to be a Pharaoh’s tomb.

“Mr. Trudeau,” I began.

“Call me” – he brushed some sand off his abs – “Justin.”

“Okay, Justin. The Liberals have proposed a loosely Keynesian budget, trying to soften the oncoming downturn with deficit-funded spending on infrastructure. Do you think this country is really that desperately in need of infrastructure? One might argue that we’re in pretty good shape already, and that increasing spending might lead to a lot of unnecessary and wasteful projects. Like that train line to Pearson Airport that no one ever uses.”

“That’s an interesting question,” he said, “and I love answering interesting questions because of my intelligence and experience.” He pointed to the book on the sand next to him, which was titled Advanced Vector Calculus. “Just some light reading, to rest my brain. Given that it’s an election, I would read something on economics or political science, but, you know, I read them all already. All the books.” He stretched languidly. “Yep, I’m that smart.”

“Sure, okay,” I said. “I wasn’t questioning that, since the perception you’re inexperienced is basically just the product of Conservative attack ads.”

“Oh, I’m” – he gave me a sort of come-hither look – “experienced.”

“But you didn’t actually answer my question.”

“Didn’t I?” He winked. “I don’t know how I forgot, because I love talking about my erection.” There was a really dumbfoundingly long pause before he finally added, “of infrastructure.”